Looking back
I think about what happened to you,
what you must have felt when that knife was threatening your neck,
you certainly felt an unspeakable fear and the darkness did not allow you to see that bastard who was waiting for you coming out to rape you with a knife in his hand,
those moments of terror followed by others,
a time that began to determine your motherhood,
the connection with me and the helplessness that invaded you knowing what would come when it would be discovered that you were carrying a creature in your belly,
but more,
I think of you at the moment you had to leave me,
because they told you,
without me or you will be thrown out into the streets,
I think of the bruises they gave you with me inside you,
could it be that I felt something too?
sometimes fear grasps me without any reason to be found,
yet it is so deep that I can't understand it,
can't explain it to myself and now that I talk about it,
I would have wanted so much to give you a hand,
that you wouldn't be affected by so much harm,
to reduce the amount of tears that you cried for leaving me at a strange door,
which is not a matter of abandonment as they wanted to look like,
they forced you,
they beat you and they threatened you…
that it costed you a lot to give me up,
I can imagine and that it broke your heart to have me in your arms for only such a short time,
also,
the labor must have hurt for sure and the fright I gave you when I saw the light,
my first cry for air,
a draft one that penetrated my nose making me shout,
so I was scared at that moment too,
but you took me to your chest,
you looked at me still sweating from the effort you had made,
and how happy we both were,
although it didn't last long and you had to face yourself,
in your desperation you were looking for a way out for both of us,
so you made a first step and gave me a name that I still carry today and I promise to take care of it as much as I can,
and second,
you baptized me in your faith in the hope that it would protect me in those moments when you were no longer with me and I think I have felt the tenderness in your belly,
that your love reached my whole being and I felt loved,
as if we had made a pact,
that although I couldn't speak,
we understood each other by instinct,
by the skin,
by the fact of being mother and daughter.
Mum, I found you.